Impacts of Divorce on Women with Child Custody from the Cultural and Gender Perspectives (case Vietnam)

Egalitarian approach

Gender equality has a significant relationship with the divorce process, especially post-divorce. It can be said that divorce leads to a dual role for many women, including paid jobs to make a living and unpaid childcare work with typically fewer resources than divorced men. In particular, women may have to make significant adaptations to live with her child or children. In Western cultures, women’s domestic situations, such as their responsibilities for their children and household tasks, are the primary determinants of the impact of employment on their social integration (Amato, 2000). For most Asian societies, the gender division of labor in marriage and family remains the norm; men are often the leaders and breadwinners, while women are the lower position and are heavily burdened by the dual pressure of house chores and childcare tasks (Ochiai, 2015).

Men often cope with greater hardship in the early stage of divorce (Kalmijn, 2007), but post-divorce adaptation and cultural resources have reduced gender differences in these outcomes. Most women experience a significant loss of income after a marriage breaks down, while men’s economic conditions do not seem to be affected or even improve in the long term (Amato, 2000). The largest and most persistent gender disparities are women’s dissymmetrical losses in income and the associated increases in poverty risk and their single parenting (Van Scheppingen & Leopold, 2020).

Divorce often results in a significant decline in women’s living standards as they have to raise children, often living below the poverty line (Amato, 2000). In the West, after divorce, women’s incomes drop significantly compared to men’s and they face a high risk of poverty (De Vaus, Gray, Qu, & Stanton, 2014). In Asia, divorced families face greater financial constraints and have lower median incomes than married families. Therefore, financial hardships related to divorce can have a negative impact on pursuing happiness and the living conditions of individuals (Cheung & Park, 2016; Law et al., 2019).

Despite these patterns, the majority of women initiate divorce in a variety of cultural contexts (Rosenfeld, 2018; Tran, 2014), and they are more satisfied with life after divorce compared to men (Van Scheppingen & Leopold, 2020). This situation can be regarded as a paradox of contemporary marriage; although women face more challenges and costs in divorce, they often benefit more psychologically.

There is a strong relationship between marital dissolution, particularly negative forms of communication, and post-divorce life. Stress is one of the factors that reduces the quality of communication between spouses during divorce as well as between parents and children (Raley & Sweeney, 2020). Women’s domestic situations, such as their responsibilities for their children and household tasks are the primary determinants of the impact of employment on their social integration (Amato, 2000).

Social networks are disrupted by divorce as measured by loss and change of friends, disrupted socializing, and loss of contact with affinal kin. Juggling economic and domestic roles, single parents are often prevented—by both a lack of time and financial resources—from providing their children with adequate care. The strain experienced by single parents also undermines the affective quality of parent-child contact as fathers maintain less communication with their children than mothers (Meier, Musick, Flood, & Dunifon, 2016).

Cultural Contexts

Some Asian countries share a heritage of or are heavily influenced by Confucianism, which centers its values on male domination, filial piety, and collectivist goals over individualistic fulfilment (Xu & Lai, 2002). Under a patriarchal familial system, which can be identified by its androcentric values, women are often viewed as temporary residents of their natal homes. Therefore, marital roles are prescribed by unequal gender ideology inherent of the institution of marriage in East Asia (Yen & Yang, 2010). Ochiai (2015) compares the strong patriarchal influences on marriage and divorce in traditional Chinese culture with more flexible attitudes over these issues in Thailand, whereas Japan, Korea, and Vietnam are in the transitional period between them. Due to persisting patrilineal traditions, many men are reluctant to foster someone else’s bloodline (Hu & To, 2018). Single mothers are viewed unfavorably in the marriage market and their children are often marginalized in stepfamilies (Huang, 2012). Previous literature also shows a trend in rising divorce rates in Japan, Hong Kong, Taiwan, South Korea, China, and Singapore (Jones, 2015). However, in recent decades, the prevalence and to some extent normalization of divorce in Asia (Law et al., 2019; Tran, 2021b), combined with changing family values (Tran, 2021a), have created a new demographic and normative background that allows for different perspectives within the context of marriage and family, like not getting married.

Couple relationships in Asia have been more tightly enmeshed in wider networks of extended family members, at least until recently (Jones, 2015; Tran, 2021b). Collectivism has its roots in Confucian ideology, which values family and community and has been supported for generations by the need for collective strength and will in the arduous resistance for national independence and freedom. Despite cultural interactions with other ethnic groups, collectivism still prevails among Vietnamese people, though it is losing strength (Tran, 2014).

Vietnam has been strongly influenced by Confucian ideology, which ensured patriarchal power. Therefore, there is limited gender equality under these cultural circumstances (although several studies also emphasized that women are held in high regard in such cultures). However, economic independence and policies supporting gender equality have made women more independent and made them brave enough to end unhappy marriages. With materially improved lives, individuals are now no longer satisfied with marriages just to maintain a family or obey society (Tran, 2014).

Has Vietnam witnessed the rise of the “gender equality” and decline of “patriarchy” in child custody?

The current law on marriage and family in Vietnam requires couples to be responsible for the care, education, and rearing of children under 18 years of age and adult children with a disability after divorce. Mothers are granted custody of children under three years of age, if the couples have no other option. If children are above nine years old, the arrangement will be determined by asking the child’s opinions.

First, data show that child custody is predominantly granted to mothers after divorce, as 69% of divorces from 2009 to 2017 resulted in the mother being awarded custody after the divorce (Table 1), which reaffirms the results of prior literature from north Vietnam (Tran, 2014). The percentages of fathers with custody and shared custody situations were much lower.

Second, social perceptions of gender and social norms affect child custody after divorce in Vietnam. Logistic regression (Table 2) identifies the relationship between the independent variables and childcare arrangements after divorce as decided by the courts in three models. Model 1 tests for the social determinants of the possibility of children living with the mother. Model 2 tests for the social determinants of the possibility whereby fathers are awarded child custody. Model 3 identifies the social differences among divorced couples in child sharing custody.

Children of divorced couples in urban areas report a higher likelihood of living with their mothers, compared with the rural counterpart. Women in urban areas may have better economic conditions than rural women, so they can be more active in obtaining child custody. Most women want to take care of their children after divorce and sometimes sacrifice their own happiness for their children, considering their children as an important source of consolation after a divorce. Divorcees in urban areas are also more likely to share childcare responsibilities than in rural areas, which may indicate that gender equality is higher in urban areas.

This study reveals consistently that women would be more likely to bear childcare responsibilities when they have better capital and economic autonomy. For instance, the longer the marriage, the more likely it is that the court divides the children to stay with the mother after the divorce because the longer the marriage, the higher the mother’s autonomous ability. The length of marriage is negatively related to children living with their father, and vice versa. Similarly, couples with a better standard of living are more likely to have their children raised by the mothers and less likely to be raised by their fathers.

Divorce age is a significant variable with respect to child custody after divorce. Women, whether in a marriage or divorce, consider their children an important asset that can make up for their injuries. That is why women are more willing to gain custody of their children after marital dissolution and are also more worried about them. Data show that wives who divorced at a younger age had a lower probability of taking on the childcare responsibilities. A young age of divorce also increased the likelihood that the child would live with both parents, compared to the older divorcees, assuming the other variables are constant. The older the mother’s age at divorce, the more likely the child would stay with the father after the divorce. Younger divorced mothers seem to alter this attitude toward childcare, indicating changes in gender equality among the younger cohort.

The number of children has the strongest influence on shared custody between husband and wife after divorce. The reason is that when there are more than two children, it is more difficult for one person to take care of the children.

The initiating divorcee is a strong statistical determinant of child custody. When the wife initiates divorce, this reduces the likelihood of the mother gaining custody and increases the possibility of the father gaining custody. This mirrors previous literature in Vietnam that women who have more children will be less likely to initiate divorce (Tran, 2014).

The qualitative research also reconfirms the mentioned statistics and reveals various aspects of social norms that influence the social perception of child custody in contemporary Vietnam, whereby childcare is assigned to women regardless of their marital status.

What are the Implications of Child Custody on Gender Equality and Post-Divorce Life of the Individual, Especially Women?

Vietnam maintains a traditional approach to child custody and support; that is, assigning custody responsibility to one parent and granting visitation and alimony rights to the other (though courts encourage non-custodial parents to participate in parenting, for those whose children are under 18 years of age). The living arrangements of divorced people are strongly influenced by childcare responsibilities. Moreover, these childcare responsibilities are strongly influenced by familism and Confucian ideology—placing care responsibility on the mother; in fact, many women see children as the most important property—they are ready to make sacrifices for their children. Therefore, in reality, in many cases, children still want to live with their mother even though the court orders them to live with their father. The percentage of mothers staying with their children after a divorce is much higher than that of fathers staying with their children (83.6% versus 16.4%) (Table 3)

Children are a burden on the economy and care of the divorced. The divorcees living with children rate that their economic situation as very good is significantly lower than those not living with children (11.5% versus 27.6%). Most of the divorcees confront economic constraints, such as the following case in which a mother struggles to feed her children and stabilize their lives after divorce without the support of her ex-husband.

I have lots of disadvantages because I economically depended on him (ex-husband) during our marriage. So when divorced, I felt so inadequate. I have no stable job and wait for his frequent subsidy (NTN, female, born 1965, Ca Mau province).

Economic autonomy gained by securing a job and income is important for the recovery and integration of divorced people, because high incomes and stable careers can give them the strength to overcome the psychological crisis after the divorce. However, childcare has its own impact on the divorcee's employment. Despite the need for income, divorced people living with their children are significantly less able to go to work daily than those who did not live with their children. As a result, the majority of jobless divorcees are those who have custody of their children. Personally owned businesses are more prevent (27.9% vs. 19%) among those with child custody, since they allow flexibility; however, this work is not formal and sustainable (Table 3).

Economic hardships of women with child custody is closely linked to financial and care support from non-custodial parents, mostly fathers. Though some interviews reveal stories of divorced men sending alimony and catching-up on their children’s development, it is more common for the non-custodial parents to not provide any financial or care support to the custodial parents following the divorce. The number of people receiving regular support from a former spouse is very low, especially for those living with children (i.e., proportions of 46.7% sometimes and 40% never receive subsidy and support from their former spouse).

In the divorce story of Ms. NTQ, the husband failed to perform child support responsibilities, creating an economic burden for his ex-wife and children. Her story shows the frustrations and helplessness of many women who have to manage to raise their children and get by on their own after a divorce without support from their ex-husbands.

Going to court, he also promised that a month's child support would be 200,000 VND and said that this amount is a lot. Yet the truth is nothing. I waited for 1, 2 months and longer but nothing. He has no responsibility. Even if I went to the court to claim that I didn't receive his alimony, the judge failed because he said he was in difficult condition and not asked him anymore! Though I had a husband, and my children had a father, yet we received nothing. My sadness endures forever, I can't look up (NTQ, female, born in 1962, 7th grade, sewing, married in 1992, divorced in 2013).

Former husbands’ neglect and refusal to provide alimony is likely rooted deep within the social norms of patriarchal feudalism, which previously accepted polygamy, and the gender inequality of Confucianism that assigned childcare and housework to the wife. The historical context of various patriotic wars in which men fought in the battlefields and women were responsible for all family work may even highlight the women’s care roles. The in-depth interviews emphasized women’s thoughts of good motherhood entailing never abandoning children in any circumstance as the natural penalty or reward. That stereotype is so strong that men continue to hold that view even during divorce, when a court orders the husband to provide alimony and care.

Another reason former husbands fail to maintain proper support for their family is due to the insufficient legal supervision of the implementation of rights and responsibilities after the divorce. Men are often free to leave after marriage without supporting their ex-wife and children without being judged by public opinion, nor subject to any supervision by the legal system, especially if they do not work in the public system. This fact highlights the urgent need for strict sanctions on former husbands who do not fulfil their subsidy responsibilities after divorce.

In the decision, every month, he was asked to give 300,000 VND per month for child custody. He could only support twice and stopped. The Department of Justice contacted to ask him to send the subsidy, but I still received nothing. But it is necessary to claim with the superiors to take strong control over men after divorce. It is very difficult for women to raise children alone. Even though the wife does not ask, he still has to take the responsibility (NNT, female, born in 1962, two children, married in 1985, divorced in 2015, Can Tho).

As custodial parents without proper financial support, these divorced people with child custody report worse health conditions than those without child custody. The divorcees also show diverse and complicated emotions during and after divorce, including positive emotions (i.e., relieved, free) and negative emotions (sadness, shame, suicidal thoughts). The divorcees report higher positive psychological status than negative ones, especially among women. The release from the bondage of a suffocating marriage brings a sense of relief, happiness, and self-esteem. Positive mood was higher among those living with children (54.1% versus 36.8%), reaffirming the similarity with many previous studies, that even though women bear the burden of childcare and economic difficulties after divorce, they still choose divorce and feel liberated when they get out of an unhappy marriage. Some in-depth interviews show that some people feel relieved and happy to be liberated from the abusive life, when both of them are no longer in love, such as the case of LTAD.

It took me many years for him to sign (the divorce application), so I was very comfortable and relieved. It was like I was able to throw up a stone in my body (LTAD, born in 1981, married in 2005, her husband is an Indian overseas Vietnamese living in Vietnam, divorced in 2009, remarried in 2013).

However, divorce is stressful for many people. Though 31.4% felt negative, this feeling was less prominent among those living with children than those not living with children (26.2% vs 36.8%). By gender, men have a higher rate of post-divorce distress than women, possibly because men are less proactive in divorce than women. In-depth interviews show that many people have feelings of pain, depression, anxiety, and disorientation when they divorce, especially in cases of passive and betrayal in divorce. In Mrs. DTN’s story, because the cheating husband left to live with another woman when the family suffered the loss of their youngest child in a drowning accident, the divorced wife continues to feel hatred and is unable to forgive the former husband. She cannot handle the pain.

I got married at the age of 27, then it was kind of left-over. My family lived on a small boat in the river and one of my kids fell into the river and died. That year my husband left with his concubine. I had to bear with the kids. He didn't go to court, but he was at fault because we are Christian. Since then, I have not seen him again. He also did not ask anything about the child. I was so sad, I cried often. Eating rice in the mouth like eating stone. I have to eat to gain strength to feed the children. I cannot fall down. I hate him so much. If anyone asking about my husband, I left and dare not to hear (DTN, born in 1953, divorced in 2008, three children, living with youngest daughter, hometown in Hai Duong, living in Can Tho).

Some individuals are not ready for a divorce, but their spouses fall out of love and insist on divorce after long conflicts. In these cases, feelings of uncertainty, sadness, and anxiety happen to both men and women.

Divorcing in old age means no one to take care of each other. It is said that tears drop down. Parents can give children everything but children cannot take care of parents for their entire lives. Divorce is miserable due to the absence of a lifelong caregiver (Male, born in 1965, divorced in 2018, Ca Mau province).

Despite being proactive, after a divorce, individuals still experience complex psychological problems in the context of a culture that upholds family values, linking personal happiness with the happiness and perfection of the family. From the traditional point of view, an intact family with two biological parents was regarded as vital to ensure children’s healthy and successful development. Now, on the one hand, it is easy to get out of an unhappy marriage to restructure their lives. However, on the other hand, in a society that emphasizes the intact family, attaching the success of individuals—especially women—to family happiness, a family dissolution makes individuals feel ashamed and guilty. Even with a supportive family by their side, many people still have psychological neglect soon after divorce. Most interviewed cases have a common psychological emotion of imperfection. In a cultural space steeped in ancestor worship, belief in the law of karma and reincarnation, in fate, in Heaven, Buddha, God, Holy Mother, etc., the imperfection in familial happiness of individuals, which is so closely tied to fate and karma from previous lives that this life has to pay, helps individuals reduce guilt and suffering:

I think this is the karma I have to endure. It is my fate I find a bad husband and blind in love. That is my fate I have to pay when karma comes. I have absolutely no regrets since this is a fate but sadly that I cannot keep the intact family to my children (NTQ, female, born in 1962, sewing, married in 1992, divorced in 2013).

At the same time, the responsibility of taking care of children also makes it difficult for individuals, mainly women, to find new happiness, such as finding a new partner or remarrying. The majority of divorced people do not have a partner (i.e., 79.8%), and this rate is higher in the divorced group living with children (i.e., 86.9%) than its counterpart (i.e., 72.4%).

Unlike many Western countries where remarriage is quite common, in Vietnam, remarriage is not yet common. Only 13% of divorced people remarry. The rate of remarriage is much higher for those who are not responsible for raising children after divorce. There are a number of reasons why individuals may not remarry, including the responsibilities and burdens of parenting, lack of opportunity, no need to remarry, or fear of marriage after a breakup. In NNT's story, after the divorce, she no longer wanted to remarry due to the fear of betrayal in the marriage. Moreover, she revealed her strong desire to focus on childcare due to the guilt of not being able to keep the intact family for her kids.

I was hurt once and never continued (to try to get married again). I don't trust men anymore. If I take another step, my child will suffer. At that time (of divorce), I was only 36. I could not foresee my fate, but I decided to stay single. My idea is to live and work to raise the children. If I am imperfect (due to divorce), I will only take happiness from my children (NNT, female, born in 1962, two children, married in 1985, divorced in 2005, Can Tho).

Recently, the phenomenon of staying single and childless has appeared in Vietnamese society. The fear of marriage bondage phenomenon is even more common and evident among divorced women. Though marriage for the sake of economic subsistence is an option for some women, the fact that many women receive no financial or parenting support from their former spouses makes it difficult for divorced women to reconsider marriage. As Vietnamese society discriminated against and discouraged divorce for a long time, the social stigma about the personal fault in the marital dissolutions make the divorcees, especially women, devalued in the marriage market. In addition, women's ideas of gender equality are progressing while men's patriarchal ideas have not decreased sharply, so many women do not want to enter into marriage to be subservient to a husband again. The fear of being in an unhappy marriage, the burden of being a wife, being a mother, or a stepmother constitutes the obvious psychological barriers to remarriage. Many people choose the single life and enjoy their social activities instead of married life:

I mainly go to work and take care of the children and travelling with friends. Having a husband then I have to take care of him and step children, it's very frustrating (NTN; born 1965; married in 1989; divorced in 2007; Obstetrician; Bachelor of Social Management; Can Tho).