Women’s Sex-Objectification during the Matchmaking Process in Israel

Introduction

This article explores the ways in which Jewish matchmakers treat the issue of physical attractiveness of their clients, in light of the Jewish cultural ethos of “Grace is deceitful and beauty is vain”. The religious Jewish matchmakers face a beauty dilemma as they try to comply with their male clients’ exacting and steep demands regarding the desired bride’s beauty, while at the same time wishing to adhere to the religious ethos and educate their clients to ignore this factor when choosing a life partner. Similar to other traditional societies, the Jewish-Israeli society has been tremendously influenced over the last decades by the Western cultural beauty imperative (Bokek-Cohen & Davidovich, 2009; Zalcberg, 2009). This article begins with a literature review of feminist studies of women’s beauty, and then continues with an overview of various Jewish sources that relate to women’s outward appearance. The role of the matchmaker in Jewish society is examined, historically and in light of current social issues in Israel; in-depth interviews with amateur matchmakers are reported in order to answer the research question of how do the matchmakers negotiate the dissonance between their religious views and the demands of their clients within a society that is being impacted by Western standards of beauty. It is reasonable to expect that the findings regarding the Jewish matchmakers’ beauty dilemma may have implications for other non-Western societies impacted by Western cultural dominance. Finally, the matchmakers are seen as partially subservient to the Western standard of beauty in that they must please their clients, and partially subversive of it, as they attempt to replace it with an ideal of pairing based on shared worldviews and non-superficial personality traits.

Theoretical Background

Method

Data gathering was accomplished through in-depth interviews (Patton, 1990) conducted with 25 amateur matchmakers (16 women and 9 men). The amateur matchmakers receive no financial rewards and they help singles without charging any payment (except for one female matchmaker who charges about $50 as a registration fee). They contribute a lot of time to matchmaking because of their deep concern for the “problem” (in their own words) of a growing number of singles who have difficulties in finding their life partner. As a result, their guidance, as well as the potential mates they offer to introduce, reflect their own genuine viewpoints and attitudes and are not motivated by economic interests. Therefore, for the purpose of exploring matchmakers’ practices regarding the beauty issue, the amateur matchmakers are preferable to the professionals as the study population for this research.

The Jewish population in Israel is divided into three major sectors: (1) The Ultra-Orthodox or haredim, who are characterized by strict observance of halacha [Jewish law] and a conservative halachic and cultural outlook, religious piety, and deliberate separation from non-haredi society, with the aim of preserving their own traditional values from the incursion of values which are not acceptable to them. This includes separating themselves from Western culture, as well as shunning national, patriotic events which have secular manifestations. (2) The national-religious sector, known in the Western world as Modern Orthodox, sees observance of halacha as a central value and at the same time supports Zionism and active integration into general society in the State of Israel. (3) The secular sector consists of people who do not systematically observe Jewish law and its commandments, although some do observe various fundamental commandments such as circumcision, Jewish wedding and divorce rites, Jewish burial ceremonies, and customs related to Jewish holidays. Each of these sectors has its own separate educational system in Israel. All of the interviewees belong to the national-religious sector, most of them are married, in their late 40’s-50’s, possess an academic degree, and live in different parts of Israel. Many of them are educators, rabbis, and rabbis’ wives, or engaged in therapeutic professions; some of them began to do matchmaking after the rabbi of their community talked to them and suggested they could help the non-marrying singles to find a life partner (for detailed information on each of the interviewees, see Table 1 in the Appendix). The typical process of matchmaking in the national-religious sector differs from the process in the Ultra-Orthodox sector as well as from matchmaking among secular clients. Usually, in the national-religious sector the procedure follows this pattern: the matchmakers meet the applicants in a face-to-face meeting and conduct an introductory conversation with each one. They usually collect data about the applicant’s age, educational attainments, occupation, level of religious observance, and health. All of the matchmakers record these data during the meeting using pen and paper; none of them uses a computerized dataset. Then, the clients are asked to describe their desired traits in a potential mate. Some of the matchmakers ask the applicant to give a photo (either printed or an electronic file) and promise to show it only to candidates who seem to them truly suitable. When they have an idea for a match, the matchmakers all tend to turn first to the man, by phone, and describe the potential bride’s traits and characteristics, including her physical description. If he is interested, he will go to the matchmaker’s office and look at her photo (if available). Only after the man agrees to meet the woman do they proceed to talk to the woman about the potential match and give her information of the same sort that they told him. According to the matchmakers’ explanation, the reason is that if they first obtain the woman’s consent, and then the man refuses to meet her, the woman tends to be hurt by such a rejection much more than the man. The women can also ask the matchmakers to show them the man’s photo. If the woman is also interested in the meeting, then the matchmaker calls him again and gives him the woman’s telephone number. It is not accepted that a woman is the first to initiate contact, and women are generally expected to play a passive role in the process.

The interviews consisted of open-ended questions that related to the personal characteristics of the matchmakers and their modus operandi; to the characteristics of the people who apply to them and their requirements with respect to a mate; to the personal experiences of the matchmakers in this work; and to the difficulties they encounter and how they cope with them. The interviews were documented in writing during the interview, after obtaining the consent of the interviewees.

The method of sampling was based on the snowball method: The information about the matchmakers was obtained from acquaintances of the author and from the interviewees themselves who in turn referred the author to additional matchmakers.

The study emerged from the qualitative paradigm that claims to gain an understanding of a phenomenon by studying it in its daily natural environment (Denzin & Lincoln, 1994). Within this, the analysis is based on the phenomenological approach which strives to bring information about reality as it is perceived by those being studied, in an attempt to construct a mapping of their experiences and their world of concepts, and in this way, to obtain an insight about their experiences and the significance of them (Bogdan & Biklen, 1998; Geertz, 1973).

An analysis of the data was based on the grounded theory approach (Strauss & Corbin, 1998). An analysis based on this approach is appropriate when there is a general research question, as is the case in the present study. The premise of grounded theory is that people with shared life circumstances also have shared social and psychological patterns which grow out of shared experiences. Accordingly, the analysis consisted of two stages: first, an analysis of the general topic which seeks central themes and patterns which emerged in the interviews, and second, giving an interpretation to the motifs that emerged in the first stage and their significance.

Findings

An analysis of the interviews reveals the ambivalent attitude of the matchmakers toward the issue of physical appearance. On one hand, they disagree with the obsession for beauty, as one of the interviewees called it, and tried, albeit unsuccessfully, to persuade their clients to decrease the importance they attached to the appearance of the desired spouse. On the other hand, they demonstrate some kind of pragmatic acceptance and compliance with the demands of their male clients. Moreover, most of them tend to advise their female clients on how to improve their outward attractiveness in accordance to generally accepted standards, in order to promote the chances of finding a groom. In doing so, they unconsciously contribute to the perpetuation of the double standard of beauty.

Accordingly, two types of findings will be presented: the first relates to the attitude of the matchmakers to beauty as a characteristic of minor importance, and the second relates to their tendency to conform to the beauty obsession and to guide and direct the clients regarding their personal appearance. These two seemingly contrasting attitudes toward beauty help the matchmakers decrease the gap between their male clients’ fantasies of a slim and beautiful bride, and the fact that most available women do not fit these fantasies. Therefore, these two attitudes serve as complementary strategies to achieve the goal of marrying off as many couples as possible.

Discussion

National-religious matchmakers have ambivalent feelings and attitudes regarding their male clients’ demands for attractive mates. They tell the young singles their personal opinions and express a negative opinion of their obsession with beauty, yet at the same time they try to accommodate the beauty imperative, mainly by advising and guiding the clients about how to change their looks and how to dress in order to come closer to the ideal. The matchmakers make much more effort in dealing with the girls as compared to the boys. In that sense, the matchmakers are aware of the lookism phenomenon; but they are not passive regarding this kind of discrimination; instead they play an active role in maintaining it. Furthermore, they adhere to the worldwide double standard regarding the outward appearance of men and women.

Along with the matchmakers’ tendency to educate the female clients about how they should look, they concurrently try to shape the demands of the male applicants regarding the desired match, as well as advising them to reduce their overemphasis on the beauty factor. Using these patterns may reflect that the matchmakers see the process of matching as a kind of barter between the man’s resources and those of the woman; as a result, they see the single woman as a kind of product who must be marketed and who must try as much as possible to convert her personal traits into traits that are perceived as desirable ones by the potential match. This pattern is not unique to matchmakers in this study but corresponds to the marriage market theory proposed by Becker (1973) and Mincer (1962), which sees marriage as a barter transaction, with the value of a person in the marriage market being reflected by the sum total of the resources, services, and goods that he or she can contribute to the future family cell. Zalcberg (2007) defined these resources as “matchmaking values” and among them she included personality and social and family characteristics as well as characteristics that relate to external appearance.

Since the process of matchmaking posits a kind of barter transaction between personal characteristics and types of capital, this practice might be considered the objectification of singles, a process whereby an abstract concept is treated as though it were a concrete or physical object (Nussbaum, 1995). A broader definition for this concept also includes people as subjects of an approach that considers the human being as merchandise or an object for use without sufficient regard for his personality (Bartky, 1990; LeMonchek, 1997). According to Nussbaum (1995), something is objectified if one of seven factors exists: (1) Instrumentality. The objectifier treats the object as a tool of his or her purposes; (2) Denial of autonomy. The objectifier treats the object as lacking in autonomy and self-determination; (3) Inertness. The objectifier treats the object as lacking in agency, and perhaps also in activity; (4) Fungibility. The objectifier treats the object as interchangeable (a) with other objects of the same type and/or (b) with objects of other types; (5) Violability. The objectifier treats the object as lacking in boundary integrity, as something that it is permissible to break up, smash, break into; (6) Ownership. The objectifier treats the object as something that is owned by another, can be bought or sold, etc.; (7) Denial of subjectivity. The objectifier treats the object as something whose experience and feelings (if any) need not be taken into account.

Two of these do exist in the way matchmakers treat their clients: fungibility, i.e., the object is treated as something of such nature or kind as to be freely exchangeable or replaceable, and denial of autonomy: i.e., an object is treated as being devoid of identity or self-determination. The matchmakers relate to the client as an object which must be marketed and sold, and they try to give it a trademark, as they advise the client to accentuate his/her positive traits. The matchmakers also tend to a certain extent to deny the client’s autonomy in the sense that they ignore some of his/her demands and try to design a slightly different identity for him/her. This may also be considered an expression of objectification of the client. On the other hand, their behavior may be interpreted as an attempt to act as effectively as possible to achieve what is best for that client as they perceive it, i.e., marriage, in accordance with their knowledge of the rules of the game in the marriage market.

Pursuing Goffman’s (1959) conceptualization, the matchmaker helps the client present a better and upgraded identity, which is aided by a new outward “packaging.” In this sense, the matchmaker as an authoritative figure gives the client the legitimacy to deliver a new image to potential “shoppers.”

The protracted singleness in the modern orthodox society is perceived as a “societal problem” which troubles many in this sector (Shtuhl, 2000; Bartov, 2004; Nahari, 2007; Engleberg, 2009, 2011), who see it as a deviation from the norm which is desired and expected by the society. According to Becker (1963), social groups create a deviance by the very fact that they set down rules of behavior. A breach of these rules is considered deviance, and people who act in a way that does not conform to these rules of behavior are considered different or deviant. From this viewpoint, deviance is the product of evaluating a person’s behavior or outward appearance according to the criteria of rules set by others. In this case, it refers to rules, which are a product of Jewish tradition, and which most members of the national-religious society who have married and set up a family are concerned with preserving. This group sees itself as normal and others, who are not married, as deviant. In this way, Becker contends, this group maintains authority.

Durkheim (1933) contended that society’s reaction to deviance clarifies its moral limits. Therefore matchmakers, by guiding their clients on how to look and dress, fulfill the role of defining the moral limits of national-religious society. This is demonstrated most explicitly in instructing girls about how to dress according to the accepted implicit norms of their sector. Moreover, the matchmakers serve as agents of social control in preventing the deviance of those afflicted with protracted singleness, and they take action to normalize them, in light of the threat they pose to religious society. A community that suffers from a sense of threat and fears deviance tends to cope with these feelings by reinforcing the mechanisms of social control (Douglas, 1966).

The matchmaker can also recommend the correct and suitable look for the single who applies to him by dint of the authority that he/she has been given. According to Weber’s classification of the three types of authority (Weber, 1979), authority’s power is accepted as legitimate by those subject to it. He distinguished between three ideal types of authority: legitimate political authority, charismatic authority, and traditional authority. During the interviews with the matchmakers, we were indeed impressed that the interviewees were gifted with a charismatic authority, i.e. personal charm and power radiated from them, and it was they who were the source of their own authority and who led the singles who came to them to entrust themselves in the matchmakers’ hands and rely on their selections. Charismatic authority stems from the personal charisma or personal power that characterizes the individual personality of the authority figure. Furthermore, the traditional authority is relevant since the matchmaker’s personage has been respected and venerated in Jewish society for centuries (Grossman, 2004).

An obvious and explicit result of these aesthetic improvements is the satisfaction of the clients after finding their match and getting married, thereby putting an end to the stigma of being deviant. However, there is another kind of consequence for the matchmakers as they increase their social power and position in the community, owing to their impressive success in marrying off a large number of singles. This self-serving benefit may explain why female matchmakers act similarly to their male counterparts and agree to comply with masculine standards of mating preferences.

Conclusion

The purpose of the article was to examine the level of correspondence between the Jewish cultural ethos toward beauty and the everyday life praxis of Jewish matchmakers. The analysis of the data is based on the sociological view that sees the body as a bearer of meaning, since it reflects a given social order (Scheper-Hughes & Lock, 1987; Chazan, 2003). Accordingly, when coming to evaluate these matchmakers’ activities and attitudes toward the beauty issue, one should take into consideration the social context. In the recent two decades, many women in the NR sector have adopted modern lifestyles and arrived at impressive educational and occupational attainments, thus challenging the patriarchal traditional order of the community. The rise of women’s power was accompanied by a parallel academic proliferation of religious feminist female scholars, who began to publish academic and publicist articles that call for a change toward more egalitarian norms between the genders (See Adler, 1998; Safrai, 1998; Hartman & Marmon, 2004; Elior, 2010). According to Faludi (2006), after women have made substantial gains in their efforts to obtain equal rights, there is a recurrent media-driven “backlash” against these advancements. A backlash is a popular negative reaction to something which has gained popularity, prominence, or influence. Beauty standards are perceived by feminist theorists as a means to weaken women and regain male dominance in society (Tolmach Lakoff & Scherr, 1984; Wolf, 1991; Rothblum, 1994; Rhode, 2010; Hakim, 2011; Mears, 2011). The use of beauty standards in the marriage market creates a backlash by making women’s educational and professional attainments meaningless. Hypothetically, a meeting with a matchmaker and hearing advice could potentially have a liberating effect on women. However, considering the fact that most of the matchmakers are rabbis, rabbis’ wives, or people whom the rabbi respects and suggested they should start matchmaking in their community, this potential is not fully realized because all of the matchmakers belong to the mainstream traditional non-feminist sections of the national- religious sector (as noted in the Method section). Traditional matchmakers serve as backlash agents by applying beauty standards during the matchmaking process. Applying and amplifying these standards for women contribute to the phenomenon of lookism: the discrimination against homely women in the marriage market, lowering their chances to get married and acquire the accompanying social and psychological benefits.

In summary, this study can shed light on the contribution of social agents to the phenomenon of backlash in a traditional society that is going through social change toward a more egalitarian society for both genders. It should be stressed that the matchmakers’ cooperation with the beauty obsession of their male clients may facilitate two outcomes: it has the potential to contribute to a sex-objectification of women in society, by emphasizing their physical traits while ignoring other personal qualities; at the same time it also perpetuates an archaic non-egalitarian society. It can be assumed that if the matchmakers use their social power to educate the male singles to reduce the importance of external appearance, they will lose some of their prestige and status in the short run, but in the long run they will take part in forming new mating norms, which may lead to forming intimate relationships that are not based on superficial physical criteria, but rather on a good pairing of the personality and worldviews of both partners, as well as more egalitarian relations.

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